All Eyes On You

What should the world know about me and what I deal with day in and day out?

I guess first I’ll say my name is Coralyne. Im a mom to two boys, both under 5. As a child I was pretty active, especially my teen years. I played soccer, skateboarded, long boarded, roller skating, constantly walking everywhere. I even took piano lessons. After a couple of broken bones at 6 and 8ish, a whole bunch of sprained ankles, twisted and scraped knees, a torn tendon, hyperextensions, I’ve understandably got some issues. My lower joints ache, a lot. There are days I can barely walk across my room. When I was pregnant with my youngest son, half way through the pregnancy my hips started to lock up occasionally or just be really really painful. Doctors won’t do further more in depth tests for arthritis because my initial rheumatology panel came back normal. BUT there are several family members (aunt, grandparents) that have been diagnosed with arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis. I keep being told to try yoga and physical therapy. All because I don’t have the inflammation they’re looking for. There are still days where my hips lock up or are just super painful and I can barely walk. Is this the only invisible disability I have? Absolutely not. I also have PTSD, anxiety and depression. But I also fully believe I should be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as well. Am I medicated and in therapy for these diagnoses? You bet. Does it always help the way it should? Not at all. With the mental disabilities comes self harm, not sleeping, not eating or on the other side eating and sleeping too much. I’m hyper vigilant in my surroundings, I don’t have my back to the exit unless I have no choice, I constantly look around and listen to everything. When I have an anxiety/panic attack I can’t sit still, I rock back and forth, I pace, my whole body shakes. If it’s bad enough I scratch myself, arms, legs, hands, whatever i can easily scratch. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m scratching, it has to be pointed out to me. Just because I don’t look like I have disabilities, doesn’t mean I’m “normal” or “fine”. The worst thing that could be done to me or anyone like me is assuming we are okay, that we are completely fine. I am not. We are not. Will I keep fighting to find an actual diagnosis for my physical problems? Hell yes. I deserve to answers! I should not have to suffer because some doctors don’t want to listen to me. Am I little young for arthritis at 30 years old? Probably. But I will keep fighting and advocating for answers, one of my family members was diagnosed at 29. She had to fight for 10 years to get a diagnosis. I hope I don’t have to fight for that long.